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#13 Checking the Waves

May 25, 2009 by blizzbot

Over the course of a surfers’ lifetime, countless hours are logged in the pursuit of riding waves.  Checking the waves is an essential part of the process, providing a mental litmus test of conditions that should ideally be met prior to paddling out and getting wet.  Never satisfied with the status-quo Wilbur breaks, surfers often scour the coast in search of the best conditions possible in a feeble attempt to appease their ravenous, never-ending wave riding addictions.  Like masquerading Magnum PI’s (glasses included, overflowing chest hair optional), surfers are always on the prowl to score the best waves they can.  If they should happen to stumble upon the holy grail of surfing perfection a la Endless Summer, definitely be prepared for an earful of surfing embellishments.  After all, they went to the ends of the earth (…most just went down the street) to find quote unquote “pumping” surf; it had to pay off, right??

Surfers can be quite the temperamental bunch when they haven’t scored any surf for a while.  Perhaps it’s the fact that the human body is predominantly 70% water that gives surfers that fish out of water feeling. Or maybe it’s that nagging uncertainty that other more fortunate surfers are scoring epic waves in some far off part of the world while they sit idly by waiting for scraps.  Whatever the case may be, the cranky, erratic behavior exhibited by a surfer during a flat spell is a sight for sore eyes indeed.  Often found congregating in parking lots and seaside vistas up and down the coast, surfers scan the horizon like a pack of hungry wolves ready to attack the slightest mushy morsel.  As conditions of lake-like proportions drag on, it is not uncommon to see surfers stare out into the flat abyss with a cult like fanaticism beaming in their eyes.  It’s almost as if they watched the movie “The Secret” one too many times and are now convinced they can manifest a wave or two to roll in in order to harness their mindsurfing destiny.  Lo and behold, right about the same time when insanity starts to creep in, a surfer within earshot will exit the water and proudly ramble; “Awww mannn, it was just nice to get in the water, ya know!” ……Can you say “One way ticket to Indo, please!”

Surfers spend a good amount of time in their surf roving mobiles checking the waves, chasing one swell to the next.  Driving along some of the most beautiful coastal corridors that nature has to offer, surfers often zone off in a quiet, hypnotic like trance to the sight of waves marching in.  Like man’s best friend eagerly wagging his tail and pressing his nose to the car window in slobbering elation, surfers are transfixed to the scintillating surf porn unveiling before their eyes.  Often tuned out to the idle chatter of their friends or spouse sitting shotgun and the red brake lights of cars quickly encroaching ahead, surfers’s minds are like malleable putty molded by the whims of the sea.  The surf imagery consumes the mind and body, taking precedence over all else.

Checking the waves in person these days is sooooo last season, haven’t you heard!!?  With just a click of the mouse, anyone with a pulse has an instant roadmap to all the best spots, tides, and optimal times to hit them up. Live streaming webcams of once coveted breaks blanket the web for all to see.  For better or worse, the advent of technology and its conveyor belt of surf reports is here to stay.  The niche websites that cater to surf reporting provide an invaluable service to the masses that exclusively rely on them for up-to-date surf conditions. In fact, surfers now have the luxury of planning their entire week around projected swells produced by storms that may not have even formed yet.  Outfitted with detailed long range forecasts that predict the arrival of swell down to the hour and handheld crackberry p.d.a’s that deliver reports with a few simple scrolls, surfers today have become quite the complacent lot. Unable or unwilling to check the waves the old fashioned way, many sessions go by largely unridden by the majority, left only to those surfers in the know.  The window of opportunity to score quality, uncrowded surf is vast for those surfers willing to open their eyes and put forth the time and effort to travel off the beaten path.  And as for those live streaming webcams- they’re not all bad really.  Seeing your favorite pro get spit out of a gaping barrel at Teuhupoo half a world away while chillin’ in your easy chair is pretty freaking cool!

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Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Sports, surfing | 3 Comments »

#12 Peeing In Wetsuits

April 14, 2009 by blizzbot

Surfers love nothing more than the feeling of a well stored up, heat emanating piss in their wetsuits. Not to be confused with some sick self-urination fetish, peeing in wetsuits is an essential element of the cold water surfing experience. It’s a win-win scenario that translates into more time in the water while warming the vital areas to boot. It also tends to validate and encourage the most guttural and immature behavior in even the most refined surfing circles. Surfers can’t help but crack a few bathroom humor jokes and innuendos all while peeing mere feet away from their floating bro-gatta. Whatever the case may be, it sure beats high tailing it out of the water to find a suitable bathroom or inconspicuous bush to do the deed. That’s a load of sissy piss!!!

Surfers bear witness to some pretty harsh conditions bobbing around in the oceanic abyss. Despite advances in wetsuit technology, it doesn’t hurt to pull out the urea reserves on a cold winter’s dawn patrol to warm the ol’ boys and girls. In fact, instead of adhering to the mantra of “hitting the ground running”, surfers often subscribe to “hitting the water peeing” as their golden compass. It starts the surf sesh off right and tends to smooth out the kinks like a therapeutic hot tub in your crotch. Some surfers (names excluded, you know who you are!) bear no shame and will urinate high and dry before they even reach the water’s edge. This may be viewed by some as disgusting and grotesque but it just goes to show that there really is no rhyme or reason to the ‘peeing in your wetsuit’ manifesto. The entire process is quite laissez faire; translation – anything goes!

Surfers are not typically a finicky bunch, but when faced with the prospect of borrowing or buying another surfers’ used wetsuit the inherent knowledge of what goes on down yonder in the nether regions of ones’ wetsuit becomes a bit too much burden to bear. In fact, for most surfers the act of using another surfers’ wetsuit is outright taboo, off limits. As a result, this whack market trade of borrowing and buying used wetsuits is generally relegated to those who haven’t a clue about whose messy stew they’re now conjoined at the hip with. “Better wash that thing first, eh bra?”

Surfers are faced with numerous split-second decisions to make during any given surf sesh: (i.e. do I air drop this wave and risk eating it?; should I stall for the barrel or race the section for an air?; do I pee now or pee later?). The choices abound for the ever calculating, multi-tasking, bladder toting surfer. Alas, the only real drawback to peeing in a wetsuit besides its “Eu De Pepe Le Pew” like après surf sesh fragrance lies in deciding when to pee. As if Poseidon himself were vexing surfers for peeing on his fishies, surfers are routinely caught blindsided by a set wave that rears its frothy, pee interrupting head right smack dab in the middle of doing ones business. Nothing is more Zen destroying and bladderly abrasive than stopping the flow midstream as any surfer can attest to. Because of this anomaly, it is not uncommon to see surfers seemingly pass up perfect waves as they scurry to head off their internal flood gates. When called out on missing the wave of the day they’ll unanimously chant; “hey man, I was peeing!”

Surfers will continue to pee circles around each other in lineups the world over and wonder in vain if that warm pocket of water they’re sitting in is really warm water or just another pool of someone else’s piss. Much to the relief of surfers, there is actually very little to worry about. Pee is one of the most sterile liquids out there comprised of roughly 95% water and assorted salts and proteins. So when considering peeing in a wetsuit, surfers must realize that pee is not your enemy, it is your friend. Just make sure to wash the soiled thing from time to time! Without basic care, a wetsuit can quickly become a roving porta potty- a real purveyor of stank if not rinsed regularly with water and soap. Moral of the story, don’t ever let it get to that point – scrub it kook! Peeing in wetsuits is meant to be an enjoyable, convenient experience for every surfer in need of a good tinkle or two. Next time nature calls in the lineup, feel free to take a load off – let it flow, embrace your inner pee!

 

* Warning * – “Booty Juice”; a common by-product of peeing in one’s wetsuit comprised of urine and toe-jam found in a surfers’ booty should not be taken lightly! “Booty Juice” is not to be ingested nor taste tested and should only be used against others when insulted by exceptionally demeaning “Yo Mama” jokes or in ritualistic Grom hazing scenarios.

Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Sports, surfing | Tagged , , | 3 Comments »

#11 Getting a New Surfboard

March 7, 2009 by blizzbot

Surfers the world over get giddy just thinking about it.  Like little kids cracked out on candy canes come Christmas Eve, surfers anxiously await that special day of reckoning when the stars align and wallets lay flush with enough greenbacks to score a new board.  Runner up to scoring waves, getting a new board is one of the most coveted moments in a surfers’ life.  It’s a time of renewed stoke where the shredding possibilities seem endless, especially when armed with a gleaming new stick! 

 

Surfers tend to get new boards for a variety of reasons.  Perhaps like Rick Kane, “he broke his stick, he rip so bad” (see North Shore) and needs a replacement board a.s.a.p.  More likely a surfer just desires a new board to up their overall wave riding experience while others do it to round out their growing quiver of boards for all conditions. New boards offer up more resilient materials, present newer technologies, and provide better response underfoot to boot. It doesn’t hurt that new boards are cosmetically superior to their pressure dinged, teetering on destruction, Craigslist bound predecessors.  Like beaming white coffee stained teeth after a two week trial of Crest White Strips, new boards are the arm candy (that don’t cause cavities) for surfers lucky enough to flaunt these pearly white wave riding vehicles.

 

Surfboards cost a good deal of money and don’t grow on trees as surfer Mom and Dad’s the world over might attest to. Because of this, some surfers might wait months, even years to re-up on a new board while the luckiest few (pros) get them hand shaped and delivered halfway around the world for free.  Whatever the situation may be, getting a new board is a rite of passage for any surfer. It tends to reignite the spark in a surfers’ surfing like no other.  In fact, it’s not uncommon to see a myriad of atypical personality traits develop in a once seemingly drained and apathetic surfer when they get their hands on a new board.  For example, once unthinkable utterances might be heard from the late night boozer of the group such as; “yea guys, I think I’m gonna bail on the $2 you call it night, surf looks like it might be kinda fun for the dawn patrol”!  Reports of surfers seen sprinting to the surf when it’s only knee high dribble or obsessively waxing their new board in perfect concentric circles are nothing to be alarmed at, in fact it is the rule!

 

When it comes to buying a surfboard, surfers are notorious window shoppers.  The entire process of shopping for a new board is comparable to checking out girls.  Case in point, surfers tend to ogle, size up, and manhandle the vivacious curves, rails, and rocker of a potential new board with the fervor of a pent up, sexually frustrated teenager.  Boards that may look fun from afar tend to get played with then tossed back on the rack like the village bicycle if the dimensions are not to the surfer’s liking. Worse yet, if the board is overly expensive it may signal to the surfer that this board is off limits, out of their league, a bonified goldigger of a surfboard dressed in a sexy price tag negligee cruelly touting “here big boy, come and ride me…..that is if you can afford me!”.    

 

As with any investment, surfers often deliberate over paying too much or getting shafted on quality when buying a new board. Big name shaper vs. local shaper, PU vs. Epoxy; what is a surfer to do? This cloud of indecision weighs heavily on surfers at first but gradually melts away after copious amounts of surf infused daydreaming and research.  Like a slow drip IV delivering its medicine, surfers begin to imagine themselves getting the wave of the day at their local break or arcing an obscenely tight Slater style turn in the pocket on their new board. The seed is invariably planted in the surfers’ head and there’s no going back, it’s time to get a new board!

 

When the day finally comes for a surfer to get their new board, all doubts and worries are replaced with puppy eyed infatuation at their latest acquisition.  Some surfers become smitten on the spot with their new board and put it on a pedestal like a romantic conquest (surfers have been known to take the concept of board love to another level as evidenced by the fad of airbrushing hot chicks onto surfboards (See Board Love)). For a period of at least 2 months, nobody else will get to ride it and the only acceptable lines of communication are of admiration and envy from their bros.  The first date (or shall we say 1st go out) with a new board is a highly anticipated moment for any surfer, yet rarely lives up to its hype.  Squandered by unrealistic expectations of surfing like Dane Reynolds because they now have the Al Merrick Proton board is a deserved let down. But what if the waves do not cooperate, who’s to blame? (The waves always go flat when a surfer gets a new board; a popular urban legend amongst surfers).  Whatever the situation may be, whether your next new board is break-up material or develops into full fledged relationship status, take heart, either way there’s always another new board around the corner!

 

Posted in surfing | Tagged , | 5 Comments »

#10 Ditching Work For Waves

February 16, 2009 by blizzbot

It has been said by many in the sport that a good day of surfing cures all. Unfortunately for surfers, good surf and personal schedules are not mutually exclusive items, they tend to have a rhythm all their own.  Keeping up with that wave riding rhythm can prove a daunting task in and of itself for even the most committed surfer. Never mind all of the everyday obligations like work and family that seem to pile up with no end in sight. Somewhere between hearing the cliché one-liner “ya should have been here yesterday” for the millionth time and another stellar commute to work in stop n’ go traffic the desire to escape the daily rat race melee and surf good waves becomes unbearable.  So what you may ask is a surfer to do? From time to time the only solution becomes glaringly obvious-ditch work and score some surf!

 

When it comes to selecting the perfect day to ditch, all a surfer need do is take a crash course on the “5 W’s” from 4th Grade English class – (the Who, What, When, Where and Whys). A tactfully planned and executed ditch day can mean the difference between you and your bros getting shacked silly all day versus bobbing like a buoy in the shallow end of the oceanic baby pool. An integral part of any surfers’ preconceived plan must factor in crowds, tides, wind, swell angle, and a myriad of other variables synoptic to a surfers’ local break. After all, there’s nothing worse than scheming for days on end about possible excuses to tell your boss only to get skunked come ditch day.

 

Surfers nowadays, for better or worse, are pretty dialed in when it comes to predicting swell events. Aided by the internet’s wide array of surf reports and forecasts, it doesn’t take the sharpest tool in the tool shed to score pumping surf. Over-hyped swells pitched by the various surf report media outlets can clog a line-up quicker than you can say, “Surf trip, please!” All bets are off for a ditch day solo session if a surfer happens to reside in a metropolitan area with 5 universities and an overabundance of trustafarians making the rounds. Plan accordingly!

 

A typical day of ditching work for waves consists of rising at the butt arse crack of dawn for the dawn patrol sesh.  Sleeping in is not part of the ditch day regimen and should only be reserved for weekends when waiting out the swarms of ‘weekend warrior’ surfers or the early morning high tide is the preferred option.  For the majority of 9-5 working surfers a well executed “I’m sick” call between the hours of 8:00 to 8:30 in the morning to the company receptionist or voicemail should do the trick.  Feigning illness or dishing out some other believable excuse is a crucial step in promoting a successful ditch day experience.  After the minor inconvenience of side stepping work is out of the way, surfers are free to revel in several more hours of surfing bliss followed by a bountiful breakfast burrito and a refreshing machaca beverage at their favorite taco shop.  Follow this up with several more hours of noodle armed surfing and a couple of beers with the bros at sunset and you’d think you were on vacation, if only for a day.

 

Some may claim that ditching work for waves is reckless and irresponsible.  After all, until the recent explosion of surfing’s popularity, surfers were often pegged as counterculture slackers and deadbeats by the rest of the homogenized, non-surfing world.  But what these naysayers fail to recognize are the highly therapeutic, soul nourishing doses of sanity that surfing provides to so many of us. A couple power gouges, a few cutties, and maybe even an in n’ out barrel section if you’re lucky and the world just seems right again. As the 1980’s Billabong tagline so aptly put it, “Only a surfer knows the feeling”!  Next time a solid swell pulses its way onto your ubiquitous surf radar, do yourself a favor – be a surfer, paddle out, get some! 

 

Happy Hour tastes better after surfing all day!

Happy Hour tastes better after surfing all day!

 

Posted in Entertainment, Humor, surfing | 1 Comment »

#9 Changing In Public

November 13, 2008 by blizzbot

Surfers up and down the coastline do it nearly everyday. Whether parked alongside the road, in a parking lot, or in the warm confines of their surf roving mobiles; surfers are notorious for dropping trow in public to partake in their daily surf routine.  Armed with only an extra large towel and a wetsuit, surfers can find themselves in some pretty precarious situations from time to time.  The slightest slip of hand or stiff offshore breeze can quickly cross the line between semi public nudity and an outright eyeful of places where the sun don’t shine for the unsuspecting passerby.  While these minor inconveniences of man vs. the elements might discourage some, surfers barely bat an eye (…or “cheek” as it is). Besides, when the waves are firing, incidental casualties to the public eye are the least of their worries. Surfers are out of their clothes and into their wetsuits faster than old man Clark Kent can find a phone booth.   

 

Over the years, surfers have developed a variety of ways to make changing in public a more comfortable experience.  Much to the chagrin of ogling Cougars and Creepers everywhere, surfers now have the option of wearing all encompassing terry cloth changing robes complete with hoodies to mask the nether regions on those cold winter mornings.  When public showers are not in the cards, surfers bring their own.  Surfers sport gigantic water jugs and even portable camping showers to wash away the salty remains of a solid surf sesh.  Changing mats ease the pain of asphalt for those with haole feet while Tupperware surf bins separate the organized thinkers from the mildew perpetrating stinkers.

 

As surely as waves will continue to peel along our shorelines, surfers will be there to greet them, boards in tow, changing towels in hand.  The act of changing in public will remain a social phenomenon unique to the sport of surfing and the overall surfing experience as a whole.  While surfers from coast to coast line up at the crack of dawn to score the epic dawn patrol, let us all hope the only “crack” we see is the cracking of the lip on that next set wave, and not the other way around!

 

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Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Sports, surfing | Tagged | 3 Comments »

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